October 20, 2020, was the date of my Diep flap revision. This day I had been looking forward to since before the initial reconstruction surgery… and it was a disaster. I am so upset with the results. The doctor’s message gave me hope and excitement, only to let me down in a major way. It left me devastated and depressed. It feels like I have permanently lost a part of myself and have yet another permanent emotional scar. I cannot even express the huge toll this has taken on me.
Post Revision Blues
After the revision, I did not speak to anyone for about a month and a half, I cried every day. I contacted the nurse and was told to give it some time to heal and that they will see me for my follow-up. Nothing on my body has changed and I was dreading my appointment. When I went, almost three months later, the doctor walked in and greeted me, I said hello back and those were the only words I spoke for the next 45 minutes. I stared in the corner of the room the entire time crying. I have only felt that kind of devastation two other times in my life; the loss of my sister and my father. When I left the doctor’s office, I sat in my car screaming and banging on the steering wheel. It was the first time that I asked, “why me?
From Physical to Spiritual: A Different Kind of Revision
I have tried to be gracious through all of this and it finally hit me that nothing is going to get better and that I am going to look this way the rest of my life. I was crying, I was screaming, and I pulled over because I got sick. Again, it was complete devastation. I had to get it all out before I got home.
Now I want nothing more to do with any doctors, at all. I guess I thought that my reward for being patient, understanding, gracious, and positive would be some sense of normalcy at the end. This was not the case.
However, I am trying to set these emotions aside and turned to God for comfort. Though I am not even certain I would find it there. I have a history of blaming God and running from Him in my life’s worst moments. Through these past nine years of reclaiming my faith, I have discovered that even in the dark God is there, even when it feels like He is nowhere to be found. Not this time, I have to be faithful because being faithful is all I have left.
A Light in the Dark: Weekly Devotional
From the book of He Whispers Your Name:
Heart Knowledge – You say you “know” the truth, but the worry within you says something entirely different. Your restless soul begs for stillness, a peace that gives you the confident hope you need to carry on. But the troubles of life trump your faith and you find yourself growing too weary to believe what you know to be true.
Listen to Me. I’ve never forsaken you, and I’m not about to now. Within My grasp is every detail of your life–past, present, and future. You know this–just be still for a moment and listen closely to My still, small voice. Until your last breath, until that moment when you enter into My presence, I AM with you at all times and in all ways. Trust in who I AM, and nothing else.
Your faith can’t carry you unless you remain fixed on Me. I’m the God who created all things and keeps the universe in motion. Your universe, the problems within you and without, are not bigger than I AM. What exactly do you think is too big for Me? What miracle is it that I can’t perform? Whatever it is, just be still, and know deep within that I AM God.
“Be still, and know that I am God.” ~ Psalm 46:10 (NLT)
This is where I am. Be still and listen for God to speak to me. I know what I believe, but I have to be faithful in that. Every day is hard, but God will be with me and only he can give me the hope I need to carry on.
Click here for more posts about my cancer journey
For information about breast cancer click here
If you are a cancer patient click here for additional resources