I did not think about all the changes my body has gone through and the permanent changes that are happening. I don’t want to complain about the changes or the pain; this is more of a release and a hope to let others know they are not alone.
Nobody Told Me
During chemo, I got what they call chemo feet. Ugh…ugly! My feet got red spots all over them, and the skin on my feet started peeling all the time. The chemo was eating me from the inside out. It literally burned holes in the toenails on both my big toes and the nails fell off. The nails still have not grown back the way they were before chemo. To this day, I still have red dots all along the sides and top of my feet, and the skin still peels.
It was about a month ago that I notice pain in my right leg and realized that from the bottom of my knee down to my toes it was swollen and cool to the touch. I was sent for an ultrasound to rule out a blood clot. Good news! No blood clot. Bad news, a month later my leg was swollen again, on and off for three days. Now it just randomly swells and nobody can tell me why. I saw my PCP and she did not look at my leg, did not feel my leg, nor did she ask me to take off my shoe to look at my foot. When this happens, I feel completely dismissed.
I deal with pain a constant basis. I have pain in my chest and lower abdomen where they tell me it is because my nerves were cut. There is pain in certain spots on my abdominal scar that cause it to be difficult to wear anything around my waste. I have stomach pain every time I take my medicine or eat. The pains go on and on. Nobody ever warned me about all the pains I would have to live with from now on.
Through the pain… God is Enough
Now that I have “complained” enough, let me say this. I still would not change anything because I have grown so much closer to God and I believe things happen for a reason. I would much rather be going through this, even on the hardest days, than to watch someone I love go through it. God has got me in his hands and he is able to perform miracles. I pray for my own miracle every day, but I also remind myself that “Even If” He doesn’t, He and He alone is still my hope.
I will be undergoing a shoulder surgery and recovery so I will be taking a break from posting about my cancer journey. I will start back up at the start of the new year.
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